Undivided Heart

Lord, You know my heart, hear its deepest prayer today...

Undivided Heart
by Twila Paris, Cry for the Desert

There have been days when I would die for You
And days when I would not die to me
There have been nights when I would cry with You
For the sins of the world and the pain in the city
But some nights I cried only tears of self-pity
I need a love that will always endure
Give me a love that is simple and pure

Give me an undivided heart
Place a new spirit in me
Give me an undivided heart
That I may fear Your name
Undivided, undivided heart
Undivided, undivided heart

Lord, You have seen me giving all that I'm worth
But only to find me taking more
There are those times whenb I embrace the earth
When I rise to the need and I welcome the labor
And then I must fight to forgive my own neighbor
I need a love that will always endure
Give me a love that is simple and pure

Give me an undivided heart
Place a new spirit in me
Give me an undivided heart
That I may fear Your name
Undivided, undivided heart
Undivided, undivided heart

Single purpose, single mind, undivided heart
Single vision, single mind, undivided heart

Give me an undivided heart
Place a new spirit in me
Give me an undivided heart
That I may fear Your name
Undivided, undivided heart
Undivided, undivided heart

Missed Christmas Greetings

I used to have a system that worked. Towards the end of the year, I would sit down and write our Christmas letter, lay out photos to sum up the year's highlights, scan our signatures, paste it onto the letter, print it, fold it to fit into Christmas cards and send it to loved ones all over the world by Royal Mail's last Christmas posting date. For the three consecutive Christmases we have spent here in the UK, we have been able to touch base with a lot of our loved ones (those whose addresses we know).

Alas, this year, it was not to be.

Blame it on the PhD, yes, I do! This whole research thing has drastically affected my Christmas letter assembly line. First, there were writing deadlines which conflicted with the last Christmas posting dates. Second, there was no time to sneak in doing Christmas greetings in the department while working on my simulation codes. Third, there was no energy left in me at the end of the day to do much more than brush teeth (mine and the kids') and crawl under the duvet.

Then, just when I had resigned myself to just sending New Year greetings and letters, three of us (E, O and myself) all fell ill. Various ailments - fever, rashes, the winter tummy bug, hypertension, influenza - these hounded us for a full week, during which time I rejoiced that B didn't catch any of our viruses or physical stresses. I missed a week of research, E missed 3 days of school, and O was effectively housebound, too. Our flat was a virtual hospital ward, where I quarantined myself from the rest of the family because mine was the viral tummy bug that I didn't want anyone else to catch.

So there, 2008 winter norovirus, you won. No Christmas letter from us this year. Sigh :( Much as I'd like to still try to send them out before the New Year begins, I'm still recovering from that week with a lot of bed therapy and sleep appreciation sessions during the break. But we'll see how I can make it up to people in the New Year... I haven't totally given up yet...

How You Live (by Point of Grace)

One of my favourite Christian contemporary artists, Point of Grace, has released their 1st studio album in a long while. I heard this track and just had to share it with everyone here. I need to be reminded that it's not what I do or who I know, but how I live my life that matters. Deep stuff to inspire us all. The song is very moving and poignant, for me at least.

Listen to the music on YouTube with a photo slideshow here. And read the lyrics below.

How You Live (Turn Up The Music)
by Point Of Grace
Verse 1:
Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Verse 2:
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Bridge:
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

Verse 3:
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Chorus
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Help and pray, please! Her 3-year-old nephew was abducted

Friends, please forward this to anyone in media who can help. Or to anyone who may have information on the little boy's whereabouts or condition.

http://melquita.multiply.com/photos/album/348/HELP_My_Nephew_Was_Abducted?&album=348&view:replies=threaded&page_start=200

My heart is breaking for this boy's family. Let's all pray for his safe return. Forward and re-post in your blogs, if you have time. Thanks

'Capture carbon to avert catastrophic climate change, say world's scientists'

I came across an urgent appeal from scientists for the powers-that-be to adopt CCS technology. Read the Times Online article by clicking here.

Each day, I grow more excited about being capable (someday soon, fingers and toes crossed!) of contributing to new knowledge about this climate change mitigation method. There is a growing feeling of anticipation deep inside me when I think about soon becoming immersed in such relevant and urgent research, in one of the world's top research institutions, with cutting-edge technology, while funded by a well-respected and influential international oilfield services giant.

I don't care if it sounds childish or corny, but the honest truth is, this simple-minded Pinay Nanay is unbelievably keen to get on and do her bit to save the planet! Please, Lord, in spite of humankind's years of stupidity and greed, don't let us cause our own extinction together with Your creation's destruction.

Admission Confirmed!

God has blessed me tremendously again today! Medyo maghanda na kayo ng mimiryendahin at iinumin while you read this sharing, hehe, kasi medyo mahaba na naman ito.

First of all, I got a response to my email to our parish priest saying that we might be leaving the parish this summer, and requesting for references for the boys as they apply for a Catholic school in Cambridge. Importante ang recommendation ng parish priest because it is the only way the school can verify that we are indeed practising Catholics, which would increase the chances of the boys' getting places. I got more than I asked for, because not only did Fr C promise to write reference letters for the boys, he also mentioned that he is friends with one of the priests (the parish administrator) in the Cambridge parish we will be moving to, the same parish which supports the Catholic school that we'll be applying to. As in, magkatabi ang school at ang church. Hopefully, Fr C's reference letters will help the boys.

Next, I got an email from Schlumberger Foundation inviting me to come to the Faculty for the Future Fellows European Conference in Paris this Sept/Oct--- with all travel and hotel expenses shouldered by the Foundation! Nagpaalam ako agad kay O and he was quick to say yes, kasi he wants me to embrace each opportunity that I am given, and he is also excited for me. He assured me that he and the boys will be fine while I'm gone. Hindi naman sila pwede sumama kasi for women only yung conference, and besides, the boys will be in school by that time... Wow, I'll be in Paris for a week just before term starts in Cambridge! And for free. WOW!

Last but not least, after so many emails and complications back and forth, and lots of prayers, moments of trusting quietly and asking the Lord to convince the Board of Graduate Studies that my one-year fellowship (with the possibility of two renewals) is enough evidence of funding for a three-year PhD, well finally, the Lord wielded His power and showed that for Him, nothing is impossible: I have just received confirmation of my admission as a Graduate Student in Cambridge, one of the best universities in the whole world, second only to Harvard! I feel both excited and nervous, because this is the biggest challenge I'll be facing thus far (aside from giving birth twice without medication hehehe).

Alam nyo, when I stop and think about it, everything was against my getting in from the very beginning:

-I don't have the equivalent of a UK bachelor's honours degree

-I don't have a completed master's degree

-I have been intellectually stagnant for 7 years!

-As far as I knew, I did not qualify for internal funding

But one by one, God showed our family how He purposely overturned every single obstacle that stood in the way:

-I was led to a very kind, compassionate and genuinely concerned PhD supervisor, Dr C, whom I have yet to meet in person! She lobbied for me when the BGS said my Philippine qualifications were insufficient.

-She encouraged me to apply for the Schlumberger fellowship, even if I was not strictly qualified for that either. She wrote a recommendation letter for me in support of my fellowship application, even if she had not yet met me, but just basing her letter on my past performance and future potential.

-She has already planned on how to support me as I ease back into the academe, explaining to me that she will put me in a research group so that I can have support and won't be left too much on my own in the first year.

-She used her influence to make sure the BGS processed my admission quickly, so that I can use my admission letter to secure a flat and apply for schools for the boys. She is such a great blessing, and I can't wait to be under her mentorship for the next three years.

-I was selected as a Fellow for a grant meant for women in emerging economies, even if I am no longer living in the Philippines! I see God's hand at work, and I cannot claim ANYTHING for myself, because I know that to have been chosen as one of 29 grantees out of 180 women who applied from all over the world, well, this is nothing short of a miracle.

In other words, my dear family and friends, may ginagawa talaga si Lord sa buhay naming mag-anak, and I can feel in the deepest part of me that there is something being done here which is bigger than just me or my lifelong dream of doing scientific research. He is forming us and positioning us. Feeling ko, we are only a small part of the bigger picture. For sure, God is doing something marvelous and ineffable, na hindi pa namin nakikita sa ngayon. So we will follow His lead and bloom where He chooses to plant our family.

Yon lang naman ang sharing ko for today :) Please praise the Lord with me and give Him thanks for all He is doing in us and for us.

Casting my Cares on the Lord

Uh-oh. I've run into a glitch in my Cambridge application, and yesterday I was emailing the BGS and my department and my PhD supervisor all the way till the end of office hours trying to iron it out. It seems that even just for my "CPGS only" course (a 1-year stint which serves as a pre-PhD or 1st year PhD), I am expected to give evidence of three years' funding. The way I understood it, since I was supposed to complete the CPGS successfully and THEN at the end of the 1st year be asked to re-apply, re-register for the 2nd year of the PhD, I would only need to furnish proof of funding for the first year. Which is what I did, using my financial undertaking and Award letter from Schlumberger. Now they are asking me to show proof of funding for three years.

The thing is, my Fellowship is awarded by Schlumberger on an annual basis, not as a three-year commitment. Yes, it is eligible for renewal up to a further two years, making it a total of three years altogether, but obviously, the renewal process is not automatic or by default. It is, of course, subject to my performance, how I assess myself and how my supervisor rates me. But it is also a given fact that, since Schlumberger's primary goal is to support PhD and post-doc students, the renewal of their PhD grants is almost expected. Otherwise, why would they support fellows only in the first year and abandon them later on in the middle of their studies, unless they really utterly spectacularly fail at accomplishing what's academically required? It wouldn't make sense, would it? So I am hoping and praying fervently that Cambridge will deem Schlumberger's grant renewal policy as sufficient evidence of available funding for three years. As far as I can tell, I seem to be the first and only Faculty for the Future Fellow in Cambridge, so the BGS isn't too familiar as yet with the way the grant is administered by Schlumberger. In other words, I'm breaking them in. Lucky me.

More to the point, I'd like to share how God has really consoled and assured me throughout this whole thing, from yesterday afternoon, all throughout the long night, and to this very moment. I reflected on the Liturgical readings for today on my favourite Mass readings site, and here's what I found there:

(Selected from James 4: 1-10) "You do not possess because you do not ask.
You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly... therefore, it says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble... So submit yourselves to God.
Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you...
Humble yourselves before the Lord
and he will exalt you."

(Selected from Mk 9: 30-37) "Taking a child, he placed it in their midst,
and putting his arms around it, he said to them,
“Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me;
and whoever receives me,
receives not me but the One who sent me.”

(From Ps 55) "Cast your cares upon the Lord, and He will support you."

I cling to these words of comfort and guidance now, loving Father, as I humble myself before You, knowing that everything comes from You, that all I need to do is ask and ask rightly, and that all I can ever boast about is the fact that I am a child of such an awesome and powerful God. So I cast all my cares upon You, Lord. Teach me to be like a child who trusts completely in her Father.

And by Your grace, I shall trust in You alone.