Trusting and Asking

If you want to make God laugh, said Fr. Chris at Mass this morning, tell Him your plans.

I had to smile at the thought. It's true, though. All our best-laid plans, our hopes and dreams, our short-term and long-term goals, all are nothing but crude, unsystematic impulses of thought and emotion when compared to God's elegant, infinite, all-encompassing tapestry of blessing and fulfillment, His masterplan for each living individual, brought together in His all-seeing will for the whole universe.

What an awesome thought. Too big for my tiny brain to comprehend. Much too big, especially on a warm, lazy Sunday afternoon.

But really, it's true. No matter what I plan for myself, for my life, my future, God still manages to outdo me in securing the best possible outcome. His plans for me turn out so much better than my own pathetic attempts at goal-setting. Not that I should stop organising my life, setting three-year goals and having a mission statement and all that. But it is sort of wonderful to know that if and when I bungle it up, as all mortals are wont to do at some point or other, if I overlook something, botch my plans, forget to factor in something unexpected, then His plan is still there to save the day. As long as I don't struggle against it, that is. As long as I submit my will to His, and abandon my desires to His plan for me. As long as I trust in Him to lead me, and not to impose what I want, or what I think I need, on His unfolding plan for my life. As long as I don't wrench the steering wheel away from Him and foolishly insist on driving in unknown territory.

Trusting God. If there is something I need to master before I finally become worthy enough of heaven, this is it. Someday I hope the Church will assign one of Heaven's citizens as the official patron saint of all stubborn-but-hopefully-getting-there disciples who find it hard to trust God or other people. When that happens, I will be first in line in asking that saint for help! Trusting the Lord with all my heart, by far, is the most difficult act, the most impossible feat that He has ever asked me to do. It's not that easy for me to strip my defenses away and make myself vulnerable to Him, to submit my tomorrows, my dreams, into His hands, to be led, often blindfolded, over unfamiliar terrain, towards a mysterious and unseen destination, without even an estimated time frame for pitstops or our final arrival!And just when I think I'm beginning to get the hang of this whole Trust issue, something happens, and bam!... I'm back to square one. Well, not really square one, but on the same x-axis point in the spiral from which I started, but one level higher on the y. Pardon the gobbledegook, been brushing up on maths lately. Anyway, hopefully you guys know what I mean about the spiral, about going up from one level to another in the matter of Trusting.

For instance, just when I thought I was getting pretty good at Trusting God for His plan for my life as a single woman, and everything was calm and peaceful, and the universe was "unfolding as it should" under the tender eye of God, all at once I find that I'm a wife and mum, and that it's a gazillion times harder to entrust the lives of my husband and children into His hands, as well. To believe that He loves them and has a perfect plan for them, too. It's easy enough to accept it in my mind, but it's harder to make it actually sink into my heart, to make it a daily, practical reality, this Trusting thing. And I'm well past the theory of Trusting, I think. I've heard all the talks, read most of the stories, heard how others have done it. Now I'm in experimental laboratory work already. I've thunk it all out, now I've got to actually do it.

I was struck by something else in the Gospel today: Ask and you shall receive. The whole idea of Asking is one of my character weaknesses. See, I think I don't ask enough. Like Trusting, Asking has always been an issue for me. As a child, I was never one to ask for toys or books or dolls. Somehow, the "bilmoko" gene must have gone missing from my DNA at birth. But before you build me a pedestal and praise me for my virtue, let me tell you why I consider this more of a fault than anything else. Not Asking is one of my defences. If I don't ask, I don't owe. It's not a virtue, I think, but rather more of an insidious form of pride and self-reliance, a desire to be free from anyone's good will and generosity, and to strive for things on my own.

But the Lord is my Father, and He delights in hearing me ask from Him. He takes pleasure in my reliance on Him. I give Him joy when I come to Him with my needs, saying, "Lord, I need this, but I can't get it myself, only You can do it for me. Can you please help?" Not that He glories in His power over me, absolutely not, although He is entitled to do that, if He wanted to. But He's not that sort of parent. Asking doesn't demean the Asker by glorifying the Asked. Asking creates an invisible link which bonds both the Asker and the Asked in a true and loving relationship, a commitment, a covenant. Asking removes my defences from Him, makes me vulnerable to Him, exposes my desires, opens my heart to His loving kindness. It's not about being greedy, about wanting blessings, about seeking prosperity. It's about putting God in His rightful place in my life, and putting myself where I ought to be: on my knees, at His feet, under His wing. It's about making Him God over me, about admitting that He is wiser and more powerful than me, about making Him my Shepherd and my Father, acknowledging Him as my Lifesource and Provider. As one worship song says, it's about seeking the Giver, and not the Gift.

How long has it been since I truly Trusted God with my life and with my future, in simple childlike abandonment and with anxiety-free knowledge that all will be well?

How long since I last Asked Him in confidence, submission and humility for anything truly important to me?

I come to You, Lord, once more as Your child. Teach me to Trust You and to Ask. Amen.

Looking At The Stars

Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated by the wonders of space. Call me a geek, but it's true. I had always wanted to study astronomy (astrophysics, in particular) in university, but never got to, living in a developing country with a curriculum more geared towards business and the "practical" sciences. At the time, studying astronomy abroad just for the sake of it seemed a self-indulgent pleasure that neither I nor my parents could afford.

I enjoyed chemistry in high school, thanks to a wonderful teacher (Miss Tess Santos) who opened my eyes to the art and the beauty which lies beyond the science of chemistry. And I thought I was pretty good in maths, too. So I studied chemical engineering in university.

But the more I studied it, the more I realised it was not for me. It was such a pollutive field, these chemical process and manufacturing industries, and so man-made. But I did discover that I had a heart for the environment through one of the ChE courses I took: Waste Management/Intro to Environmental Science. If I could have shifted courses and gotten a degree in Environmental Sciences then, I would have, but inertia proved too strong to battle.

And then I started studying for an MSc in Environmental Studies. I finished all my coursework with high grades and got a high pass on my comprehensive exams, but have yet to begin my thesis, since I took an extended study leave right after my son was diagnosed. But it was during that period that I discovered meteorology, climate studies, the physics of the atmospheric environment. I realised that atmospheric physics (e.g. climate modelling, global warming issues) is probably what I wanted to put my energy into in the future, out of all the urgent and important environmental concerns today, like solid waste, water pollution, renewable/alternative energy, resource recovery, recycling and what not. But I realised that the institution where I was studying Environmental Studies would not be able to support me in this goal, since they do not have the facilities or the research infrastructure for atmospheric sciences.

Late last year, I applied for the PhD programme of one of the leading UK research institutions in meteorology and the atmospheric sciences. They rejected my application, saying that my five-year Philippine BSc in Chemical Engineering with a "magna cum laude" attached to it was not the equivalent of a UK honours degree, which was required for admission into the programme. My Philippine degree was judged to be just an ordinary UK degree, according to their assessment. Their educational system is quite different here, as you may have guessed by now. The Philippine higher education honours system is more similar to that of the US, with its laudes and all. Here in the UK, they have no clue what a "magna cum laude" degree means. So I was not eligible for a funded place on the PhD programme in Atmospheres, Oceans and Climate, but I was invited to take the one year MSc, provided I could pay my own way. Ten thousand pounds (PHP 1M) for an MSc? From my own husband's pocket? No way! We have children to feed and rent to pay.

I was crushed by the news, initially. It was a blow to my intellectual pride and my already-wobbly unemployed housewife's self-esteem, I suppose, but any rejection, when distilled properly by the Lord through prayer, produces a very raw, pure dose of humility which strengthens character for life. As my wise and loving husband said to me, "Do not think of it as a rejection, but a re-direction from the Lord." If He wanted me to get into that PhD programme, it was within His power to do so. But that would have meant uprooting my family and moving to a different city, and God probably thought it was not the right time to do that. He loves me, and knows what's best for me. It was a very clear "No, not yet" from a loving God. He has a better plan.

But I have lately been getting the itch to study again, though, especially since our youngest started going to nursery and I have been enjoying a couple hours a day to myself. So I looked at the website of the UK's well-respected Open University (a leading institution on distance learning) and discovered that they are offering a free 10-point course called "Science Engineering and Technology: A Course for Women Returners." It's an online, distance-learning course meant for women with a background in science, engineering or technology, women who have had to take a career break to raise kids, women who want to return to the field and use their SET skills again. I reserved a place on it, and now the registration papers are sitting on my desk, waiting to be filled up and posted back. I am quite excited about it, but it's a pity, for apart from a tight cluster of long-distance friends, I have no one else to tell and be excited with me.

I have been looking at the OU's website in more detail and I see that they offer credit transfer for previous study. I'm planning to apply for this, using both my BSc and MSc from the Philippines, and use it towards a second undergrad degree, most probably a BSc honours degree in Physics, with courses geared towards astrophysics and atmospheric physics. I'm not sure about this yet, I'm not certain if we can afford it, since I do not bring in any income to our tight household budget, but if I can get some major help from the OU in paying for the fees, I would register for this degree in a heartbeat.

Then what? A research career in atmospheric physics or astrophysics, probably, when the children are both old enough to be in school all day. A PhD? Only God knows, and I am content to take it one day at a time, to wait quietly for His will to unfold in my as-yet-earth-bound life.

For now, though, I am content just to be part of an exciting Galaxy Zoo project which I read about yesterday on BBC. I help astronomers by categorising some of their 1 million satellite images of farflung galaxies, just by going online and looking at the pictures.

Anything to keep me looking at the stars.