About to Forage

I read a recent BBC article which mentions, among other things, how declining female fertility evolved "so that women in tribes could forage instead of being occupied by childcare." It's an interesting article, raising sentive ethical issues about motherhood and working, but it also stresses that "this (issue) is no longer a problem" in this day and age.

According to the article, "women historically needed to be available to forage for food for the good of the group... Studies suggest women with small babies focussed (sic) on providing food for them... Declining fertility is a natural contraceptive which means women are less likely to have children and therefore be distracted from foraging."

Now, I am not yet menopausal, so this whole fertility debate is not personal, lest you think otherwise! I am not sure where you stand on the issue of IVF, and until I dig deeper into this, I hesitate to share my own thoughts. I need to read what the Church and the Holy Father has said about this, and I need to look at the ethics of the science involved first. But I'm not here to write about IVF.

I'm here to talk about foraging.

It's interesting to hear it said that childcare "distracts" mothers from foraging. I would have thought that mothering is the mission of mothers, not a mere distraction from working to bring food on the table. But perhaps that is the culture of this continent of rich countries where I live now. I can now declare it with certainty: I, a Filipina mother, am admittedly shellshocked by the traditional values of the West.

But no matter. I know who I am and what I believe in, and I won't budge from how I've been taught and raised. I know what's important to me and my family, and I know that raising my children is not a mere "distraction" from having a career.

Having said that, let me share with you one startling conclusion I have arrived at, through prayer and reflection: God wants me to help O to forage now. He reminded me of my marriage vows, in which I promised to help my partner to provide for our family, and He said to me, gently and without intending to shake the ground on which I stood, "You have been a loving mother to your children. Now it's time to love your husband, too. He needs and deserves your help. I will take care of everything. This is how I plan to bless you."

So here I am now, about to apply for two local jobs, one part-time, one job-share. I will choose only one, ultimately, of course. There was, at first, the inevitable guilt about "abandoning" my children to the care of strangers, no matter how well-qualified they are. But a dear friend here reminded me, with words to this effect: "You are not abandoning them. You are doing this for their own good, especially E, who is two now. You can't give him all that he needs now. It will be good for him emotionally to grow more independent from you, socially to interact more with his peers and other grown-ups outside your family, and intellectually to be stimulated in an outside learning environment. Don't feel guilty."

It's hard to fight guilt when you claim that it's not there, so I think it was good that I exposed my feelings early on. But as I get nearer and nearer to the possibility of foraging itself, the guilt slowly dissipates and is replaced by a growing peace and conviction that this is the right path for me.

It's like driving on the inner lane of a roundabout for more than four years, never needing to stop or change lanes or turn, and suddenly, God taps me on the shoulder and whispers, "Just take the next turn on the left, please."

"What?! There? The nearest one?" I ask.

"Yes," He replies calmly.

"Wait, wait, I'm still on roundabout mode... Can't we go round one more time and then make the turn?"

"You can move into the correct lane now, if you follow my instructions. Keep your eyes on that bollard over there on that island, and you will be in the right position to leave the roundabout."

I follow and obey, and instead of asking Him where we are going, as I dearly would love to do, I just wait and listen attentively to His next instructions.

Am about to leave the roundabout soon. About to forage in the wild world to help my husband bring food to the table.

But I am still a wife and mother, and still, more importantly, a child of God.

As the eyes of a servant looks at the hands of her master... I watch, and wait.

Remembered

I chanced on a Pinoy forum today while looking for online records of titles of my past research publications and student awards--- I'm updating my dusty old CV, otherwise I wouldn't even bother looking them up! Well, I never bothered to remember them or chronicle them properly in the first place, and I left all my academic stuff back home, which is why I now have to find their titles elsewhere.

So after searching my desktop and my files, I finally decided to do the most obvious thing in the world--- I Googled my maiden name. The links that came up! Wow. I couldn't resist skimming through this site called mabuhaybeauties.com where one Pinoy gentleman named me as his choice for most intelligent Binibining Pilipinas winner! I was floored, I tell you. Anyway, I posted back, and I suppose half of them won't believe it's really me, hehe, but I needed to thank him for his nice compliment, at any rate. It felt nice to be remembered, even for something as ancient as my stint in the Binibining Pilipinas pageant.

And although I've never really thought of myself as a "beauty queen," and have never let the term define me, my identity, my choices or my relationships, I realise that I am who I am today because of EVERYTHING in my past, and that I should love and accept myself for who I am, and for all that God has allowed to happen in my life.

We spent the weekend playing with our little boys in the garden-- jumping on the little bouncy castle, playing crazy bowling, sliding down into a pool of balls, bouncing around on big balls all over the grass. Such pure, childlike joy! Such uncomplicated pleasures! B squealed with laughter as he played with O. And today, my two-year-old E plucked a tiny yellow flower from the ground, toddled up to me and quietly put it into my hand. I will never forget how his eyes looked at me as he did that. Moments like those make it all matter.

My List

Had an interesting online chat the other day with a very dear friend-- hmmm, let's call her Maria. Slightly edited, it went something like this:

Maria: hi! am still dazed from a meeting i had this morning. learned that i will be out of town for most of the next 4 weeks to give training in sorsogon and in subic...hehehe...i'm getting old... there is still this part of me refusing to accept the fact that at my age i have these responsibilities hehehe

Me: what do you mean, at your age? that you are too old for it, or too young?

Maria: at my "old" age i have greater responsibilities and therefore more work

Me: that's funny, i always think of myself as 28 hehe... you're not "old", maria! you are young! at your young age, you are conducting training on social transformation on a national scale... who else can say that? you are in your thirties, sheesh! you're a loooooong way from being a venerable, ripe old age, eligible for semi-retirement responsibilities, hehehe

Maria: after my parents died i felt old... i felt i would soon follow....and felt tired of life so i felt death would come soon and therefore i should do what i "have to do"

Me: i seem to remember you saying that... but maybe it's because you felt you had no one to take care of you, the buck stops with you, no one to be accountable to?

Maria: right and no one accountable for me

Me: hay, maria... i could sit here and say "that's not true" but it won't mean anything, and it won't console you at all... so i will just sit here and say... (made loads of funny emoticon faces here)... rejoice in your youth!

Maria: yeah...i don't need consolation...it was a real thing for me but it's just part of the grieving process for me...am ok... yes, am slowly realizing i am still YOUNG!!!!

Me: better hurry up, by the time you finish realising that fact, you may really be old na, bwahahaha!

Maria: hahaha!

Me: know what? i feel young... sometimes i'm up, sometimes down, but i always feel young

Maria: that's a very good feeeling!

Me: i feel i have my whole life ahead of me, that i "ain't seen nuthin' yet" as tito rogel used to say... so many things i still want to do... i have a looong list

Maria: maybe i should make one

Me: i want to go back to my studies, i want to work in climate research and do atmospheric stuff, i want to travel, i've lived in the UK for a year but i've never brought my family to EUROPE, shame on me! i want to bring the kids to Disneyland, whether paris or california... i want to explore Africa... i want to go on a cruise... i want to know more about ecumenism... i want to know about other faiths, other cultures, other beliefs... i want to know so many more people...i want to write books, write musicals, sing again, play in a band, learn French and German and Spanish, have another baby...God knows what else! I feel my lifetime won't be enough! hehehe

Maria: i want to go out of the country again! I want to go to Batanes and Vigan...i want to get married soon so i can have babies... hehehe...i want to have a boyfriend soon first...hehehe

Me: yeah! right on! our dreams keep us young and our experiences keep us grounded, which is a good balance

Maria: yes!!!! sige i will make my own list


We all have so much to live for. No matter how much we've done in life, or with our lives, there's always something more that awaits us, something more we have to discover or experience.

Make your own list, won't you?

Back in the Sun

Fine, fine, I know. There's no excuse for not blogging. Except that May 28th-June 3rd was half-term holiday, so my older son was home all week from school. And from June 5th till now, well, I've been out nearly everyday, soaking up the sun, saying hello to summer on the pretext of running errands in town. Hello, blue skies! Hello, white puffy clouds! Hello, bright new world! The weather's been too nice to stay indoors. Sorry, blog, you just can't compete with sunshine.

Apart from that, I have also been struggling with headaches from too much monitor glare, so it's been really challenging trying to figure out how to blog while keeping my eyes shut.. :D

There have been lots of creative juice flowing into the story I'm writing now. Best way to keep it flowing is not to talk about it, though. I've been "meeting" new characters in the book during my sleep, and sometimes I wake up at dawn, crying or laughing, fresh from a scene that's just played itself out in my dreams. Can't wait to share it with all of you when the proper moment comes. It might take a few years, though. Just structuring the plot will take time and careful thinking. Am having loads of fun with the names I've found, so that's a nice hobby within this bigger hobby.

I've been seriously praying about working part-time this coming autumn, to help O with putting food on the table, and to be able to afford to send E to a very good private day nursery near our house. It's time for him to get out and socialise without me around. It will help his language skills and build his confidence. It's also high time for me to get out and do something not child-related, I suppose. Been fighting feelings of guilt about the whole getting-back-to-work scenario, banishing absurd thoughts from my head. But I've got very good models of great working mums, friends and sisters who have remained loving mothers despite their need to work, or their desire to have a career.

My head is pounding again. More on this tomorrow :)