How You Live (by Point of Grace)

One of my favourite Christian contemporary artists, Point of Grace, has released their 1st studio album in a long while. I heard this track and just had to share it with everyone here. I need to be reminded that it's not what I do or who I know, but how I live my life that matters. Deep stuff to inspire us all. The song is very moving and poignant, for me at least.

Listen to the music on YouTube with a photo slideshow here. And read the lyrics below.

How You Live (Turn Up The Music)
by Point Of Grace
Verse 1:
Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Verse 2:
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Bridge:
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

Verse 3:
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Chorus
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Help and pray, please! Her 3-year-old nephew was abducted

Friends, please forward this to anyone in media who can help. Or to anyone who may have information on the little boy's whereabouts or condition.

http://melquita.multiply.com/photos/album/348/HELP_My_Nephew_Was_Abducted?&album=348&view:replies=threaded&page_start=200

My heart is breaking for this boy's family. Let's all pray for his safe return. Forward and re-post in your blogs, if you have time. Thanks

'Capture carbon to avert catastrophic climate change, say world's scientists'

I came across an urgent appeal from scientists for the powers-that-be to adopt CCS technology. Read the Times Online article by clicking here.

Each day, I grow more excited about being capable (someday soon, fingers and toes crossed!) of contributing to new knowledge about this climate change mitigation method. There is a growing feeling of anticipation deep inside me when I think about soon becoming immersed in such relevant and urgent research, in one of the world's top research institutions, with cutting-edge technology, while funded by a well-respected and influential international oilfield services giant.

I don't care if it sounds childish or corny, but the honest truth is, this simple-minded Pinay Nanay is unbelievably keen to get on and do her bit to save the planet! Please, Lord, in spite of humankind's years of stupidity and greed, don't let us cause our own extinction together with Your creation's destruction.

Admission Confirmed!

God has blessed me tremendously again today! Medyo maghanda na kayo ng mimiryendahin at iinumin while you read this sharing, hehe, kasi medyo mahaba na naman ito.

First of all, I got a response to my email to our parish priest saying that we might be leaving the parish this summer, and requesting for references for the boys as they apply for a Catholic school in Cambridge. Importante ang recommendation ng parish priest because it is the only way the school can verify that we are indeed practising Catholics, which would increase the chances of the boys' getting places. I got more than I asked for, because not only did Fr C promise to write reference letters for the boys, he also mentioned that he is friends with one of the priests (the parish administrator) in the Cambridge parish we will be moving to, the same parish which supports the Catholic school that we'll be applying to. As in, magkatabi ang school at ang church. Hopefully, Fr C's reference letters will help the boys.

Next, I got an email from Schlumberger Foundation inviting me to come to the Faculty for the Future Fellows European Conference in Paris this Sept/Oct--- with all travel and hotel expenses shouldered by the Foundation! Nagpaalam ako agad kay O and he was quick to say yes, kasi he wants me to embrace each opportunity that I am given, and he is also excited for me. He assured me that he and the boys will be fine while I'm gone. Hindi naman sila pwede sumama kasi for women only yung conference, and besides, the boys will be in school by that time... Wow, I'll be in Paris for a week just before term starts in Cambridge! And for free. WOW!

Last but not least, after so many emails and complications back and forth, and lots of prayers, moments of trusting quietly and asking the Lord to convince the Board of Graduate Studies that my one-year fellowship (with the possibility of two renewals) is enough evidence of funding for a three-year PhD, well finally, the Lord wielded His power and showed that for Him, nothing is impossible: I have just received confirmation of my admission as a Graduate Student in Cambridge, one of the best universities in the whole world, second only to Harvard! I feel both excited and nervous, because this is the biggest challenge I'll be facing thus far (aside from giving birth twice without medication hehehe).

Alam nyo, when I stop and think about it, everything was against my getting in from the very beginning:

-I don't have the equivalent of a UK bachelor's honours degree

-I don't have a completed master's degree

-I have been intellectually stagnant for 7 years!

-As far as I knew, I did not qualify for internal funding

But one by one, God showed our family how He purposely overturned every single obstacle that stood in the way:

-I was led to a very kind, compassionate and genuinely concerned PhD supervisor, Dr C, whom I have yet to meet in person! She lobbied for me when the BGS said my Philippine qualifications were insufficient.

-She encouraged me to apply for the Schlumberger fellowship, even if I was not strictly qualified for that either. She wrote a recommendation letter for me in support of my fellowship application, even if she had not yet met me, but just basing her letter on my past performance and future potential.

-She has already planned on how to support me as I ease back into the academe, explaining to me that she will put me in a research group so that I can have support and won't be left too much on my own in the first year.

-She used her influence to make sure the BGS processed my admission quickly, so that I can use my admission letter to secure a flat and apply for schools for the boys. She is such a great blessing, and I can't wait to be under her mentorship for the next three years.

-I was selected as a Fellow for a grant meant for women in emerging economies, even if I am no longer living in the Philippines! I see God's hand at work, and I cannot claim ANYTHING for myself, because I know that to have been chosen as one of 29 grantees out of 180 women who applied from all over the world, well, this is nothing short of a miracle.

In other words, my dear family and friends, may ginagawa talaga si Lord sa buhay naming mag-anak, and I can feel in the deepest part of me that there is something being done here which is bigger than just me or my lifelong dream of doing scientific research. He is forming us and positioning us. Feeling ko, we are only a small part of the bigger picture. For sure, God is doing something marvelous and ineffable, na hindi pa namin nakikita sa ngayon. So we will follow His lead and bloom where He chooses to plant our family.

Yon lang naman ang sharing ko for today :) Please praise the Lord with me and give Him thanks for all He is doing in us and for us.

Casting my Cares on the Lord

Uh-oh. I've run into a glitch in my Cambridge application, and yesterday I was emailing the BGS and my department and my PhD supervisor all the way till the end of office hours trying to iron it out. It seems that even just for my "CPGS only" course (a 1-year stint which serves as a pre-PhD or 1st year PhD), I am expected to give evidence of three years' funding. The way I understood it, since I was supposed to complete the CPGS successfully and THEN at the end of the 1st year be asked to re-apply, re-register for the 2nd year of the PhD, I would only need to furnish proof of funding for the first year. Which is what I did, using my financial undertaking and Award letter from Schlumberger. Now they are asking me to show proof of funding for three years.

The thing is, my Fellowship is awarded by Schlumberger on an annual basis, not as a three-year commitment. Yes, it is eligible for renewal up to a further two years, making it a total of three years altogether, but obviously, the renewal process is not automatic or by default. It is, of course, subject to my performance, how I assess myself and how my supervisor rates me. But it is also a given fact that, since Schlumberger's primary goal is to support PhD and post-doc students, the renewal of their PhD grants is almost expected. Otherwise, why would they support fellows only in the first year and abandon them later on in the middle of their studies, unless they really utterly spectacularly fail at accomplishing what's academically required? It wouldn't make sense, would it? So I am hoping and praying fervently that Cambridge will deem Schlumberger's grant renewal policy as sufficient evidence of available funding for three years. As far as I can tell, I seem to be the first and only Faculty for the Future Fellow in Cambridge, so the BGS isn't too familiar as yet with the way the grant is administered by Schlumberger. In other words, I'm breaking them in. Lucky me.

More to the point, I'd like to share how God has really consoled and assured me throughout this whole thing, from yesterday afternoon, all throughout the long night, and to this very moment. I reflected on the Liturgical readings for today on my favourite Mass readings site, and here's what I found there:

(Selected from James 4: 1-10) "You do not possess because you do not ask.
You ask but do not receive, because you ask wrongly... therefore, it says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble... So submit yourselves to God.
Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you...
Humble yourselves before the Lord
and he will exalt you."

(Selected from Mk 9: 30-37) "Taking a child, he placed it in their midst,
and putting his arms around it, he said to them,
“Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me;
and whoever receives me,
receives not me but the One who sent me.”

(From Ps 55) "Cast your cares upon the Lord, and He will support you."

I cling to these words of comfort and guidance now, loving Father, as I humble myself before You, knowing that everything comes from You, that all I need to do is ask and ask rightly, and that all I can ever boast about is the fact that I am a child of such an awesome and powerful God. So I cast all my cares upon You, Lord. Teach me to be like a child who trusts completely in her Father.

And by Your grace, I shall trust in You alone.

My Cambridge IELTS results

Happy news! Last May 3rd, I took my first IELTS test in Cambridge to fulfill the English language requirement of my PhD admission offer.

Well, I got my IELTS test results just this morning: my Overall Band Score is 9.0! IELTS test scores range from 0 to 9, and looking at the recent stats, I think almost no one gets such high scores, so I'm really, really lucky. I got 9.0 in Listening, 9.0 in Reading, 8.0 in Writing & 9.0 in Speaking. It's ironic because out of all my English skills, I am usually more confident about writing than, say, speaking, so this is a big confidence booster for me. I think my writing score was affected by the fact that, like many of you, my creative thought output is usually typed, not written longhand as in the hour-long test, and the serious finger-cramping in the middle of the essays probably had something to do with it, as well. But I am absolutely THRILLED with my writing score and I'm definitely taking it, no doubt about that! And yes, as the British would say, I am totally, perfectly chuffed to bits with my Overall Band Score and I AM CERTAINLY NOT COMPLAINING!!! Woohoo! Come and praise the Lord with me!

Yay! Now all my admission conditions are fulfilled! Earlier on, I had posted all my original academic transcripts to the Board of Graduate Studies, and I had also sent my Financial Undertaking Form, my official Award letter from Schlumberger Foundation and other financial documents. My proposed budget for my fellowship had also earlier been approved by Schlumberger, which is a tremendous blessing! Plus, I've already received an Offer of college membership, and my boys and I were even able to pay a visit to the College on the day of my IELTS test.

Now all that remains is to wait for the confirmation letter from Cambridge. I actually worked up the nerve to ask my PhD supervisor for any help she can give to possibly speed things up a bit with the Board of Graduate Studies, since I need that letter pronto to secure a tenancy agreement for our preferred family flat, which is then needed to apply for September school places for the boys. All of the school places for Reception Year have already been fully allocated last month, so E will need quite a lot of your prayers so he can get into the only Catholic school in the Cambridge city centre. I pray that somehow, miraculously, someone will turn down their offer and that place will then be given to E. Prayers needed please, for both B and E! I know that the Lord has great things in store for our boys.

And lots of prayers, too, for O's jobsearch. Please ask for grace for opportunities to open for him, for wisdom to craft his CV in the right way for each company, for him to be shortlisted, interviewed, offered a great job in or near Cambridge, and please pray for time and energy to do all this on top of all we normally do.

It has been quite an exciting journey so far, so many fantastic things have happened. Everything good, good stress, but stress nonetheless. I think I should try to learn some stretching exercises or pilates to de-stress myself. My muscles are so stiff, even when I'm lying down! I need to relax, seriously. The Lord is our Shepherd, indeed, and there is nothing we shall want!

Thanks again to all who have given their prayers and support, and I promise to keep you updated!

Wider and Wider...

On 1st April, last Tuesday, a day after my Schlumberger PhD fellowship was announced, I was utterly gobsmacked to receive a conditional offer from my chosen university--- which I can now reveal to be the University of Cambridge! YAY!!!!!!!!!

All I need to do now is pass an English language test, send them my original documents, show them proof of my Schlumberger Foundation grant and be offered membership in a Cambridge college. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw "Offer Set" against my application status on my Cambridge Self-Service page today; I almost thought it was an April Fool's Day joke!

O and I are so ecstatic and overjoyed at this great news, and what makes it extra special is knowing how much our friends and family have been supersupportive and encouraging all throughout my application process. Thank you for all your good wishes and fervent prayers, and please join me in thanking God for his faithfulness, for being true to his promises to me, for giving me this undeserved blessing. Wow, being able to do my PhD in such a prestigious institution as Cambridge, second in the world only to Harvard, is a thought which just blows me away; it hasn't really sunk in yet, even two days later. God has really planned a future full of hope for all of us. We continue to abandon ourselves to His will and providence as we prepare to move to Cambridge before autumn, as we seek a great job for O in Cambridgeshire and as we pray to find and make arrangements for B and E's transfer to an excellent Catholic school in the area. Primary school starts in September while my PhD studies begin in October.

Alleluia for this great blessing, indeed! Praise the Lord with me! Let us give Him all the glory!

The Door Begins To Open...

Praise God! I got the PhD fellowship from Schlumberger Foundation's Faculty for the Future program! You can see the results online by clicking here.

Please join me in thanking God for His mercy, generosity and faithfulness, and please keep praying that I will get admitted into my chosen University as a result of my securing funding. Thanks so much for all your prayers! I know that this is God's hand at work in my life, for He has made it crystal clear to me that He is the one in control over the whole process, from my applications to my scholarship telephone interview, to my finding the right program, the right research project, the perfect supervisor, the best references, to all the little details which tell me and assure me that it is HIS will and HIS Spirit, and not my own paltry efforts or human abilities, which is making this miracle possible, despite the overwhelming odds and barriers.

As He has always done before leading me by the hand through a major life change, He first brings me to a closed door beyond which I sense I must pass, He shows me that it is closed, He shows me that I cannot open it myself--- and then He leads me to trust and abandon myself to His providence, and finally, joyfully, lovingly proceeds to open it before my very eyes!

God is good indeed! Amen, Alleluia, Amen!

The 14th of March

Several exciting developments happened this week about my PhD plans. Let me post about it while they are still fresh on my mind. (As an aside, please pray for my health, as I have been having some discomfort lately... thanks. I have a huge headache as I write this, but I can't pass up this chance to glorify the Lord.)

Last Tuesday, after coming home from an enjoyable afternoon with a new friend in Cambridge, I opened my email and saw a message from Schlumberger Foundation, to which I had applied for a scholarship for my PhD under their Faculty for the Future program.

To backtrack, the FFTF award is a grant aiming to raise the gender balance of female academics in science and engineering in emerging economies, providing worthy candidates a chance to pursue a PhD or postDoc in a developed country and then be expected to go back home to serve as role-models and promoters of SET among young female students in their respective home countries. Well, my chances of being selected for this award were very slim, according to the Award coordinator herself, because I didn't live in the Philippines anymore, but after close consideration, she told me to go ahead and apply anyway, and they will see, but with the caution that I should not hope too much. So, trusting in the Lord, I went ahead and applied, with the application strategy of presenting myself as a potential role model, mentor and educator in not just one country but in two! And also, I told them (with statistics!) about the issue of gender balance in the UK, as well, showing how the statistics of UK women academics in SET are even worse than in the Philippines.

Well, 3.5 months after submitting my application, the email from FFTF said that I had been shortlisted for the internationally-competitive award and that I had successfully hurdled the first stage of the final evaluation process! I almost fainted with joy! Further down the email, I was told that I had been scheduled for a telephone interview for Friday, the 14th of March, at 3pm French time (2pm UK time). Panelists from the Board of Directors of Schlumberger Foundation in Paris would ask me about my application and my motivation and commitment, speaking to me for half an hour. I almost fainted again, this time with nerves!

As if this wasn't enough, I received an email the next day from Dr C, my potential PhD supervisor at the Department of Chemical Engineering, asking for updates on my funding applications, and if we could please talk on the phone some time? After emailing her back, she said she will ring me on Friday morning, "just for ten minutes."

I said to the Lord, "Wow, two crucial phone interviews in one day! Lord, I should really ask for prayer cover." And that's precisely what I did. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me that day (if you were in my Chikka list, I probably texted you), I must say your prayers made a huge difference in my disposition and in my whole approach to the interviews.

Dr C rang me up promptly at 10am. She said that the Board of Graduate Studies had written her a letter saying that someone from my university (UST) would normally be required to hold a master's degree before being admitted into a PhD programme. My heart sank as I listened to her, "Is this it, Lord?" I thought. "Is this the end of my dreams?" Then she resumed, "Now what they need is a very strong letter from me saying why you SHOULD be admitted even without a finished master's, and letting them know how you can be supported adequately in my research group as you do PhD work, and that your first year will be a probationary one, anyway. At the end of that is when we will decide if you are capable of doing the work or not." She paused for a bit, as I mentally chewed on what she said, then continued, "Jeanne, I will be happy to write that letter for you, but it is absolutely crucial that you get funding from Schlumberger..." and she went on to ask me about my research experience, my preferences, my ability at computer programming (almost nil!), what I remembered about partial differential equations (again, almost nil!), and other detailed Chem Engg stuff in increasing order of embarrassment for me! Then she actually coached me for my upcoming funding interview, giving me a general idea of what sort of questions to expect, what I should say, what I shouldn't say, what I need to ask them. As she spoke, I inwardly praised God for letting me find her in the jumbled haystack of UK academics I could have chosen as a potential PhD supervisor! She was already on my side, she was willing to stake her professional reputation and standing to fight for my admissions application, and she was helping me to prepare for my funding interview! And I had never met her in my life! She is literally a Godsend for me.

After she wished me luck for my interview, I put the phone down, feeling deflated at the sorry state of my academic knowledge 7 rusty years since my career break began, but also feeling grateful for how God led me to Dr C. This was the time when your prayers really began to kick in. My confidence had been affected by my sad, sad, pitiful answers to Dr C's fair but probing questions about my current academic knowledge, and I turned to the Lord again for strength and the right spiritual focus. Five minutes before my next interview began, the Lord suddenly brought to mind my prayer back in November, as I was preparing my applications: "Lord, sa Inyo po ako nag-aapply ha, hindi sa kanila. Sa Inyo po ako humihingi ng funding, at sa Inyo po ako humihingi ng permission na mag-aral ng PhD." At that time, I distinctly heard a voice in my heart saying, "What you wish, I have already granted." And I had claimed it, I had believed that it was the Lord who spoke to me, that it wasn't simply me talking to myself. The Lord brought this prayer conversation back to the forefront of my mind as I prayed while waiting for the phone call from Paris. Faith, I read somewhere, is acting as if your prayers have already been answered, and I consciously chose to do just that. I immediately relaxed, knowing I would be in the Lord's hands, that I was applying to Him, and not to any mortal individuals or corporate groups.

The phone rang at 2pm, it was Schlumberger. I spoke with the Chairman of the Board of Directors himself, teleconferenced with the Vice-Chairman. They both put me at ease right away, asking me why I had a French first name (thank you, Mommy, for naming me after two French saints!) and if I had ever been to Lisieux, which I had. They asked me questions I was confidently able to answer, and as I did, I felt my passion inevitably rise, and I felt sure that these guys could hear the sincerity and conviction in my voice. They asked me about my proposed research project, which they had a huge interest in, being a worldwide oil and gas conglomerate, since the project involved studying the environmental impacts of carbon dioxide sequestration as a mitigation option for global climate change. They asked me about my PhD application status and I was happily able to tell them I had just spoken with Dr C earlier that day. They asked me about my motivation and desire for teaching, and I told them about my heart for the youth, as shown by my past involvements, and how I really truly believed that by teaching, we are touching and changing the future. They asked me about my proposed budget, how realistic were my plans to visit the Philippines for research linkage establishment and role-modelling activities, how I planned to augment my scholarship funds with travel bursaries, and other reasonably mundane details.

The reason I thought it was quite a good interview was because at the end, the Chairman said to me, "Well, Jeanne, I think we have asked you all our questions. Now the group and I will meet next week and we will finalise the list of awardees. I suppose that someone will contact you shortly afterwards to let you know of the results." Then he paused, before continuing with "I do not want to speak before the group meets, but..." he hesitated a bit here, and I listened with bated breath as he chose his words and went on, "Well, you DO know that you are ALREADY on the shortlist, don't you?" as if implying something. "As I said, I don't want to pre-empt the group's meeting, but what I CAN tell you, Jeanne, is that YOU FIT THE PROFILE."

How I kept myself from screaming for joy, I do not know. It was as if he was saying, well, you know how the interview went, didn't you? You know what to expect, right?

So stay tuned for the official results this week. It will be out on their website by the end of this month, they say. If I get this funding, my chances of being admitted into my chosen University are so much stronger, and Dr C will find it easier to advocate my entry with the Board of Graduate Studies. Do join me in prayer as the Lord unfolds His perfect plan for me. Thanks for your support thus far, and I am so excited at what God has in store for me and for my family this year!

Now back to packing. Can't wait to see the whole Andres clan in San Diego next Wednesday! Woohoo!

My song for today--- and everyday

If I ever have enough breath to sing one and only ONE song in my life, this would be it:

Shepherd Of My Heart

Performed by: Sandi Patti

Composed by: Mark Baldwin and Dick Tunney

Maker of this heart of mine

You know me very well

You understand my deepest part

More than I know myself

So when I face the darkness

When I need to find my way

I’ll trust in You

Shepherd of my heart

Keeper of this heart of mine

Your patience has no end

You’ve loved me back into Your arms

Time and time again

So if I start to wander

Like a lamb that’s gone astray

I’ll trust in You

Shepherd of my heart

You’re the beacon of my nights

You’re the sunlight of my days

I can rest within Your arms

I can know Your loving ways

So let the cold winds blow

And let the storms rage all around

I’ll trust in You

Shepherd of my heart

Giver of this life in me

You’re what I’m living for

For all my deepest gratitude

You love me even more

So as I walk through valleys

Listening for the Master’s call

I’ll trust in You

Shepherd of my heart

You’re the beacon of my nights

You’re the sunlight of my days

I can rest within Your arms

I can know Your loving ways

So as I walk through valleys

Listening for my Master’s call

I’ll trust in You

Shepherd of my heart

I’ll trust in You

Shepherd of my heart

On the Author, the Narrator, the Solar System and the Year Ahead

"You know, Nanay," said B to me knowingly over dinner last night, ending with a dramatic flourish, "tomorrow is the last day of 2007!"

"Uh-huh," I smiled through my mouthful of left-over Christmas pasta, "and then, what's the day after that?"

"The first day of 2008!!!!" he exclaimed triumphantly.

After a brief, scholarly, somewhat one-sided discussion (mostly with B on the talking end) on what a year means in astronomy, how long it takes for each of the planets to circle the sun and spin itself round, what the new solar system now looks like, the new dwarf planets Eris and Ceres, and so forth, I managed to steer the conversation back to more earth-related matters, and talk about the year ahead. Now it was my turn to start with a "you know" statement.

"You know, B," I said. "I bet God has a terrific plan for us in 2008. Just like the books that we've read and the stories you've written, there's a fantastic ending He's planned for us, a great plot in store for all His children that only He knows. It's like a Great Big Secret that only He knows, and we discover more and more of what He's written in our story each day. He's the Writer, the Author of the story of our lives, and now He wants us to turn to page 2008 on New Year's Day with excitement and anticipation!"

"And," B added in agreement, "God is also the Narrator of our story, Nanay, just like in that Winnie the Pooh movie where Tigger and Pooh could talk to the Narrator and he talks back? And the Narrator could narrate them all out of sticky situations, like when Tigger was stuck up in a tree and couldn't bounce down, and the Narrator narrated him down safely by tilting the page!"

"That's exactly right, B," I replied, seizing the opportunity for a teaching moment. "And we do that all the time, too! We talk to the Narrator and Author of our story all the time and when we're still and we listen very carefully, we can hear Him narrating us through each page. When we're lost or stuck, He can narrate us out of anything! Do you know another name for talking to the Narrator, B?"

"What?" asked B with open curiosity.

So I said in mock horror, "What? You don't know? But you do it every night! I bet you know already." I then pretended to chew my dinner very carefully, taking my time, sipping my water.

It was easy to see that he was hooked on the topic and couldn't take the suspense any more without needing to make a dash for the bathroom. So I stopped teasing him, looked him in the eye and whispered, "Prayer, B. Whenever we pray, all we are really doing is talking to God as our Narrator and Author."

"Oh, yeah," said B with dawning realisation. "I'm excited to turn the page and see what He's written for us in 2008, Nanay. I can't wait!"

"Me, too, B!" I answered, and meant it with my whole heart.

The Most Wonderfully Difficult Time of the Year

Christmas is almost upon us, the most wonderfully difficult time of the year for many migrant families. Especially those who, like us, have not been home yet since we left, for various reasons.

Now, this post won't be an intellectually probing social commentary on migration, the emotional consequences or whatever it is that social academics write about. Nothing deep or clever in this blog entry. No, not this close to Christmas, I'm afraid.

All I know is that this morning, after two days of being stuck in bed with two virus-ridden young charges in freezing indoor conditions, I was in the mood to play Christmas songs on the CD. There is absolutely no other Christmas album yet recorded that evokes and exposes so many raw, deep-seated childhood thoughts and emotions in me than Ray Conniff's We Wish You A Merry Christmas. So, being the masochist that I often am, I played the CD, for the boys' enjoyment and early indoctrination, and to feed my own reminiscent mood,

And instantly, I entered back into memories of my happiest childhood Christmases, the jolly ghost of Christmas past. I remembered Daddy playing our Ray Conniff LP at full blast several days before Christmas, and it's impossible for me to listen to the Ray Conniff singers without feeling happier afterwards.

Once that CD was done, I decided to listen to the new OPM Christmas CD which a very caring and consistent couple friend of ours thoughtfully sent us this year. They've been very supportive of us, sending us OPM CDs and movies year after year to make sure we don't miss out. Thank God for friends like them! How I wish we'd get more Christmas cards and greetings from home, which we relish opening and reading before hanging it up on our "sampayan" of Christmas cards. But it's okay, it's completely fine, there's no need for guilt here; we understand the Pinoy culture very well, which is more suited to texting and emailing. We're not really good at snail mail, are we? Before we left the Philippines, we rarely sent Christmas cards abroad, it simply was not our common practice. Plus, I understand that this year was quite toxic for some of our more dedicated Christmas-card-sender-friends from home, and the run-up to the holidays has really been more intense this year, so that's fine.

But I digress...

So anyway, as I popped the CD in and listened to Jose Mari Chan's "Christmas in our hearts" and Gary V's "Pasko na, sinta ko," I thought I was doing very well indeed and was starting to pat myself on the back for being such a seasoned migrant, a veteran pilgrim celebrating her third uprooted Christmas away from everyone she loves with such serene grace. Then, without warning, Kuh Ledesma's voice suddenly broke into my thoughts: "Isipin ko lang, ating nakaraang Pasko, sapat na ang pagdiriwang..."

And, to my eternal shame, I broke down sobbing. Just like that. Bigla na lang akong naiyak, for no conceivable reason. All I remember, before my embarrassing solitary breakdown, was that I suddenly thought about my late Dad and our last Christmas together in 2002, and our Christmases before that.... and that opened the floodgates of other memories, I suppose... and I began to smell the bibingka, the puto bumbong, the champorado, the hot chocolate... and I remembered in one incessant rush the sights, the sounds, the textures, the unique Filipino atmosphere of Christmas at home, with loved ones, with family, with friends.

Homesickness. It never ends, no matter how many Christmases you've been away. Just like a wound that scars over during much of the year, only to be painfully peeled back every twelve months. And blood flows afresh, but scars over soon enough. And for the rest of the year, I thank God that pain has no memory.

Our Deepest Fear

As my short course for SET women returners comes to an end, I'd like to share with you a powerful poem which was part of last week's course materials. It's authored and published by Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

We are born to make manifest the glory...that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

As I read this short passage, I unexpectedly found a lump in my throat. It really moved me.

To inexplicably freeing tears.

Last posting date to the Philippines today...

... and I'm happy to say I beat the deadline! Yay!!!!

Burned the candle at both ends last night just to finish sorting, labeling, writing and licking the Christmas post, just to be able to send the cards off today and know that they might (or should, anyway!) reach the 47 receivers on or before Christmas. 47! Whew! And that's just for Asia and Oceania.

And then there's the annual family newsletter which I had to plan, compose, lay-out and print (with O's willing assistance), to be individually folded and sent out with the cards. It always takes assembly-line precision to produce those newsletters and cards every year, but we still do it.

Why, you wonder? Why do we even bother? Why do it at all?

Because it gives us a chance to re-connect with loved ones, even at least once a year. To be totally, virtually, ephemerally together in spirit, during the short space of time it takes them to rip open our card and read what's inside. For those precious few minutes, we allow them to come and share in our world, and our life is that much richer and brighter for the connection.

Because while each card goes through the family production line, we say a prayer for whoever it's going to, so it's a chance to intercede for each of our loved ones and remember them before the Lord. It's both a practical and spiritual process, a yearly ritual since we moved away from home.

Because uprooted, migrant families like ours can not afford to lose touch with our roots and our circle of relationships, at any cost, at any price. They are all that keeps us afloat in the deluge of the holiday rush, they are everything that keeps us sane in the flood of overwhelming loneliness that besets homesick people at this time of year. We reach out and explore our new world with enthusiasm and gusto, but we can't do it without knowing our roots are intact, that we still belong to a network of relationships with people who know us and love us, despite the geographical void.

So if you get a card from us this Christmas, you know what it went through before it reached your hands. And if you don't get one, it's because we probably don't have your address :) Not yet, anyway.

And Monday is the Christmas postal deadline for North America...

Back to the production line, then. :)

Embracing Obscurity

Here's a thought-provoking passage from Sacred Space this week:

"In his classic The Imitation of Christ, Thomas à Kempis urges the reader to ‘enjoy being unknown and regarded as nothing.’ What he means is the ability to persist through tedium, to survive without the oxygen of recognition, praise and stroking, to do some good things every day which are seen only by God. Most of us start life as the centre of the universe, being stroked and attended to. Baby’s every smile and whimper is responded to and noted. It is an addictive experience, and it is hard to get used to being just one of a family, and later one of a whole class or school, barely noticed. When children suffer undue neglect or distress, the effects can reveal themselves in adult life. Some people, like pop stars and notice-boxes, never recover from the addiction, never climb out of those infantile lowlands. They find it impossible to survive without notice and applause, and spend their energies seeking it. They never fit themselves for the higher ground where the oxygen of appreciation is thinner, and they have to survive, as à Kempis says, unknown and hardly noticed. For all but his last three years, Jesus was happy to live a hidden life. That is where most of the good in this world is accomplished, by parents, carers, and all who keep going through the daily offering of their unregarded service."

This reflection piece spoke to me particularly, because it strikes a very deep chord inside.

All my teenage and single life, all I had ever wanted was to live a normal, quiet routine, a distant reality from what I was actually experiencing back then with all the hype around my beauty title, my school awards, my TV guestings, stage performances and what not. I was always in the limelight, always standing out when all I wanted was to fit in. I simply wanted to be normal. I just wanted to be one of the guys, to be loved and appreciated for myself and not for the things I am able to do. I loved doing "backstage" stuff, taking on hidden service roles like being a retreat administrator, working behind the scenes, making sure everyone had food and beddings, ringing the bell for wake-up calls, just being everyone's assistant.

When the Lord finally answered my persistent request for obscurity, to be hidden for a while, like a tiny flower which emanates its fragrance from concealment, I have found out after more than a decade of hiddenness that there is more to it than just savouring one's peace and quiet.

There is tedium.

There is boredom.

There is loneliness.

There is also the struggle to cling to one's meaning and purpose in the midst of mundane monotony, to merely survive day after day without being thanked or appreciated, to simply make the effort to smile at people who never smile back, to serve those who think they are entitled to your service anyway, to keep dishing out love and affection when your own "love tank" has been running on empty for a long while. This, by far, has been one of the most difficult and ongoing challenges I have ever encountered, a never-ending test of endurance of spirit. A test which I sometimes barely manage to pass muster, but quite often, more often than I would like, do fail at miserably.

The only thing that keeps me going, after I examine my pockmarked conscience in the middle of the night, is that tomorrow will be a new day, a fresh start, a clean slate.

And I can try again,

and again,

and again,

not just to survive

obscurity

but to embrace it.

The River Flows

Can't believe I finally did it: Yesterday, I submitted my online application for graduate studies at one of the top universities in the world. Will be posting my supporting documents tomorrow.
What am I thinking? Me? There? Absototally mental.
But still, I did it. Yes, I did.
Am praying for the best possible results, and expecting the happiest outcome with total, irrational, illogical, childlike abandonment. As my sister-in-law says, use the Law of Attraction, think inspired thoughts, be positive, which is another way of saying, "Have expectant faith, blockhead!"
Get back to me next spring and I'll tell you where the River flows.

First Frost

We woke up this morning to see the first frost of the season covering the grass and the leaves in our garden. It reminded me of a short reflection I wrote for Antioch last spring, based on Heb 10: 19-23:

"Therefore, my friends, since we have confidence to enter the sanctuary by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain (that is, through his flesh), and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us approach with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful."

My Reflection:

"Will this winter never end?" I asked myself as I looked out the kitchen window early one frosty morning. It’s only been our second English winter, and while the sight of frost and snow still inspires excitement and open-mouthed awe in my tropically-oriented mind, a very deep and homesick part of me fervently longs for spring to come.

Then I saw it: A shaft of sunlight squeezing through a gap between our house and the shed onto our rear garden. Amidst the frost that lay heavily on the grass, there now was a strip of bright colour where the light had melted through the ice, thawing the frozen lawn with its warmth, splitting the gulf of drab grey with a defiant streak of vivid green. As though a path of life had been blazed across our frosty garden. As if spring had come early to that lucky patch of frozen grass.

And all of a sudden, a familiar voice spoke in my heart, and it hit me: This is what Jesus did for me. For all of us. He opened a “new and living way” for us out of the endless winter of our sin. He melted away the ice and snow, and He freed us from the bondage of eternal cold. The never-ending cold of being separated from Him, the only One Who could truly make us happy and complete.

He freed us. He saved us.

By His blood. By His sacrifice. By His love.

And as I stood there by the kitchen window, my heart was filled with overwhelming gratitude. I smiled at the melted patch of green and I thought, “That’s me. Thank You, Jesus, for saving me.”

Jesus, be our Eternal Spring, fill our waiting hearts with a deep longing for You. Melt away the frost in our hearts, wash us clean with Your precious blood. Keep our hearts true and allow us to come to you freely, willingly, daily, with confidence in Your constant mercy, forgiveness and faithfulness. Keep us warm in the light of Your saving love, and fill us with zeal to bring Your Eternal Spring to all around us.

Back to school... sort of

Drove myself to Cambridge last Saturday, with my three ultra-supportive Andres men in tow. I attended our first group tutorial session for my T160 course on the Open University, which I've previously mentioned in an earlier post.

I didn't realise how nervous I was about going back to "school" again, whether online or not, until I stepped into the shower, mentally rehearsing in a quiet state of panic how I would introduce myself to a bunch of strangers, and found out that I had put facial scrub on my hair instead of conditioner!!! (Yes, you can roll up your eyes just like I did.) Anyway, after I successfully exfoliated my unconditioned hair, I managed to get to the meeting while my boys and their tatay went to the Sedgwick museum in Cambridge.

The tutorial was good, in the sense that it was helpful to be able to meet my tutor and my group mates face to face so that when we go online for regular conferences this next 10 weeks, we have a face and a backstory to match with the name behind the post. Omigosh, most of them have got PhDs and postdocs, unlike me, and if THEY'RE having trouble getting back to work and finding a job offer with a good work-family life balance, what about me???

This reminds me, I've had a major paradigm shift since I wrote the post I linked to earlier, on Looking At The Stars. For one thing, I read the words I'd written about chemical engineering being "bad" and "pollutive" and "man-made" and I felt ashamed of myself for bashing my course so narrow-mindedly. My conscience reminded me of my own reflections years ago: "All things are able to be used for good or for evil. It is the choice of the one wielding the gift, which turns it into a weapon or a tool."

So I began to re-think my options and try to dig deeper into my online outburst about chemical engineering and process industries. What made me say that? Why do I sound a bit bitter? Why am I so quick to turn my back on my first degree? If chemical engineering was the wrong course for me to study at uni, then why did God let me make a five-year mistake without giving me a hint or a clue? Why did He reward me with academic honours and confirm my career choices with blessing upon blessing at that time? Why did He not then re-direct me, as I have seen Him done so often in recent months, in order to keep me from making a mistake in my life and wasting my time on something He didn't wish me to do? Is it possible, be it ever for a tiny bit, that studying chemical engineering was really part of God's plan for me, after all, and He wishes me to use it for His purposes?

Pretty drastic paradigm shift, eh?

I began to think of myself doing research in the atmospheric sciences and climate modelling, and together with my giddy excitement and enthusiasm for it I also realised that for all the science, innovation and hard work I may put into that sort of research, my output will always and forever be purely, wholly, totally, simply, merely, undeniably ADVICE. Any papers or findings I produce will surely be perceived and received as optional, advisory and non-compulsary recommendations. Scientific and factual, yes, if I'm lucky, but mere recommendations nonetheless. Descriptive, predictive and instructive, yes, but lacking any decision-making power, no action taken. It's like being able to diagnose a sickness without being able to prescribe or provide a treatment. I can only imagine how frustrating that might feel.

On the other hand, I realised, Hey, I could go commando on this one. If I could actually get myself back into industry working as a chemical engineer and do R&D, I could be part of the SOLUTION to our environmental problems, especially climate change and global warming, instead of just yapping about it and scaring people into caring about it, too. If I could find a good company that's doing research on sustainable options and ways to remedy our global problems, e.g. carbon-capture storage (CCS) which focuses on capturing and re-injecting carbon dioxide into the earth's crust, which is something that some major oil and gas companies are developing right now, then I could spend my days knowing I actually did something and didn't just observe it or predict it.

Then I did some research on prospects for chemical engineer graduates in the UK, and what I saw was encouraging. They get good pay and there are many industries to choose to specialise in. In fact, chemical engineers are among the best paid among the graduates of all engineering disciplines here in the UK. Hmm, pretty convincing, on top of everything else, right?

So that's hopefully what I'll be shooting for in the coming year/s, to get a job as a chemical engineering doing research into environmental solutions. It all depends on what God has in store for me, so I am still waiting on Him and trusting in Him to lead me in the right direction. I hope the T160 course will help me to move forward in this area, so that God can use me as He has planned since the moment my life began.

And as for looking at the stars, well, I won't need to get a job doing that when I can do it on my own anytime I want.

NanayNette on Shelfari

By the way, people, have you checked out Shelfari yet? It's quite cool, sort of like Facebook or MySpace but for bookworms. If you've got time and broadband, I do suggest you take a look round, see who else you know is a Shelfarian and perhaps even build your own bookshelf. If you're one of the ten people on this planet who reads my blogs, you might also be interested in looking at the books I've read or are currently on my reading list. Just right-click here to open in a new window.
I don't normally pay attention to casual invites to join online networks since I'm already having trouble remembering my various usernames and passwords, but Shelfari sounded different, so I joined up. It's nice to be connected to fellow booklovers and to get ideas on what books to read next. Sometimes I just dip into my friends' bookshelves and see what books they like, what books they recommend, what books we like in common. The whole concept behind Shelfari is so simple, I'm surprised no one thought of it before.

Autumn Rocks

Fall's coming, I can feel it.

I always know when Autumn is around the corner when the wind starts to nip my fingers and ears, and this morning, bright and early, it nipped. Autumn is coming, with Winter soon on its heels, and when it comes it will never be, to my mind, too late. I guess I never want Summer to end. Who does, right?

But having my birthday right bang in the middle of the Autumn Equinox is kinda cool, I think, as it signals a change in the seasons, a new beginning. Hasn't always been so. At first, for the past two years, I thought of it as depressing for my birthday to annually be the necessary herald of the stark frozen winter days to come, but now I think of it coming, not at the end of summer, but at the beginning of fall. The beginning of the most beautiful and colourfully awesome time of the year, when the leaves turn gold and yellow and orange in a bright rage of mature defiance. Not languishing for a raw spring or a green summer that's come and gone too quickly, but rejoicing in the rich, triumphant kaleidoscope which the passing seasons have brought quietly on.

All this is sort of like me at my time of life: the now-quiet, more-pensive, mellowed-down, middle-aged (!) thirtysomething Me I never thought I'd be. But truly, given a choice, I'd much rather be 36 than 16 or 26. So I'm determined to enjoy this stage of my life and revel in it, rejoice in it, embrace it, cherish it while it's here. Like everything around us, it too is fleeting.

Autumn rocks. I love it. It's so me.